...which makes me think there's something about this institution that despite how much we want it, we are also moving away from it. It doesn't satisfy us. Romance says hey, here's this person. And you're getting married, and this person should meet all of your emotional needs."
-Middlebury College Professor and author of upcoming book, "Love, Inc.", Laurie Essig
Gosh, when put this way, marriage doesn't sound like such a good idea-at least not for ever, despite the 100s of social, emotional, physical benefits it conveys. No wonder the divorce rate is close to 50%. People are dynamic, fluid, and ever changing-just like nature. Our need to love and be loved, however, waxes and wanes, and our desires and needs change as we grow.
I recall the time that I was around 15 years old and was asked if I wanted to ever get married, to which I quickly replied "no!" My reasoning was based on how some of the marriages of the elders around me seemed unhappy-like one person, typically the wife, was just going along to get along, and had been robbed of their vim, vigor and zeal. And I definitely didn't want to be physically violated and emotionally scarred for life because of a ring on my left ring finger...I didn't want that for myself, no way. Yet, like each of us, I wanted to be loved, have someone special that cared for me and wouldn't be threatened by my creativity or run away because of my intellect, quirks, and other oddities (tee-hee)
And I met that person, at age 19... but we were too young (he was 21 , a brilliant chemist, and the most gentle but strong person I had (ever) met, with a future as bright.) I was a bit of prude, too, except with him. And in hindsight, if we would have stayed together (we met as we took an organic chemistry class together) we would have surely wound up pregnant and probably hating each other as we would have had to forfeit our respective lights (he-a chemist, and I-a pharmacist) to raise our child.
So we broke up our relationship, but not our love. That love never went anywhere, despite he marrying twice, and I never marrying, but having a couple of long term relationship.
We didn't speak nor see each other for 40 years.
Then one day, towards the end of the most difficult three year period of my life (enlightenment follows suffering) there he was. Yes! In a marriage that was more of convenience than love, he was still untouchable, but certainly still quite lovable, loved. And I, recently freed from a 13 year relationship that I finally had accepted wasn't right from the beginning, thought initially, "I want to marry you now (or whenever your current marriage is dissolved). "I am your true love, and I never married, and now I want to get married before I move to the next realm," I remembered thinking...
But in listening to him over time describe his marriages, and the pain (though there was some good-as there is in everything)and the fact that he almost had lost himself in doing for everyone else throughout the years, I knew the idea of another marriage, even if it was with me, would make him squirm, uncomfortable.
It would have to wait, I decided. But I still wanted a ceremony, a ring, and the cake and congratulations, like all girls do...
That is until I happened upon Laurie Essig's NY Times video commentary.
And I blinked my eyes and when I opened them again, I saw marriage for what it is-an intersection of romance and capitalism .
Love, and its romance though, don't live in capitalism.
The health advantages of marriage, indeed that of a committed relationship, like Oprah and Stedman, for example, aren't packed in the government's regulatory knapsack.
I guess I don't want to be married, after all.
(I agree that marriages in the future will have new definitions and meanings. DivorceCare
But I do want the love and health advantages of a committed relationship.
Gosh, I hope he understands that. :-)
S. L. Efua Joe is a guest blogger at toitime.com and writes Health Is Wealth every Tuesday. Tuesday May 1, 2018 's entry is entitled, "Don't Back Burner Your Health" and shares a cute and funny little story from a dinner with friends had over 7 years ago while also providing information on how to participate in the 19th Annual National Women's Health Week (May 13-May 19, 2018) #nwhw. Two new mini-sections: Talk About Deep?! and Talk About Comical?! were introduced and readers (new readers always welcome, too :-) were reminded that the only true wealth is health, not money (though financial wellness is always welcome)
Other than when you are sick and need to sip ginger ale through a straw or when you are vain (and don't know that the natural color of teeth is NOT white) and don't want to coffee stain your teeth (what is a toothbrush for, though?) there is NO reason to use a straw and double NO reason to carelessly toss it on the ground or even in the trash for it to find its way into the environment, which we share with each other, animals, like the sea turtle in the video above, and the earth. For our own wellness and health, we have to, in fact we must start moving towards #zero waste by consuming less landfill fodder wrapped goods, using less plastic, and just being more responsible about our individual and collective carbon footprint.
Did you know? Over 500,000,000 plastic straws are used each day in the United States. In only the past twenty years, people have come to expect plastic straws in every drink, in an example of extreme waste being generated for minimal convenience. These short-lived tools are usually dropped into a garbage can with no further thought, instantly becoming a source of plastic pollution.
Stunningly gorgeous, Marielle Franco could have easily grasped her physical beauty/wellness and lived out her days as a model or in some other occupation that idolizes outward beauty. Undoubtedly her days would have been much longer than the 38 years worth of days her life was afforded as a social justice and wellness advocate and politician.
But, that would have never worked for her and who she was to be.
You see, each of has a life matrix that when optimized allows us to be well, and subsequently healthy. And while we each need every dimension of wellness (occupational, social, intellectual, financial, emotional, environmental, spiritual, and physical) to have some kind of balance in order to be healthy, no two people's matrices (or matrixes) are exactly the same-not even twins. Councillor Franco's matrix , therefore, required that she seek not only her own social wellness, but the social wellness and its equity for the the people most frequently marginalized-LGBT community, favela (poor, shanty towns of Brazil) inhabitants. and blacks/mixed race citizens.
Those that are perceptive enough will realize that the history and present day of Brazil and the United States have served to create an almost identical caste-like system that metes out access to health and ability to create wellness according to a complex mixture of race and class.
But Marielle Franco, herself a child of Brazil's deep-rooted discrimination, violence, and fractionated communities, navigated her way to her own wellness, health and power.
Franco was a rarity in Brazilian politics: a powerful black woman.
And a powerful woman is someone and something that many, sometimes, even other women, struggle with.
The day before her (Franco's) death, she mourned the loss of Matheus Melo, a young black favela resident who was shot while coming out of a church with his girlfriend, just the latest victim of the multifront conflict among drug traffickers, militias and police in Rio state that has left casualties on all sides. “How many more people need to die before this war ends?” Franco tweeted.
The next day Marcella Franco was assassinated .
Her killers have not been caught. But the federal prosecutor’s office in Rio says that the evidence, including the highly professional killing, points to a hit by corrupt police officers.
It's unlikely that Marielle's killers will ever be found or that they will confess. But truthfully, even if they were to confess or be found, it's really the (political) environment that refuses to tolerate an outspoken woman of color representing the rights of all people, that stole the life force of
Marielle Franco, July 27, 1979-March 14, 2018
How many more MARIELLE FRANCOs, how many more PEOPLE need to die before this war ends?
We only dispense wellness because wellness is the key to health, and health opens the door to life.
#mariellepresente #sayhername #hojeesempre #socialwellness #health #life
If you are a pharmacist, and you read this: Millions of Americans Can't Afford Their Prescriptions, and you still refuse to see how YOU are connected to separating Americans from their own health with unaffordable drugs that only suppress diseases (and not prevent them or assess risk of disease proactively) then you are not ready to be part of the long overdue evolution. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are not self-evident, as declared (DOI, 1776) with unaffordable pharmaceuticals. Self-evident isn't so apparent and it's certainly not affordable. When you know better, you must do better.
Ah h*ll yes, that is my jahjam-Finesse. After all what's not to like about the diminutive (5'5") poppin' fresh sound of Peter Gene Hernandez's (stage name Bruno Mars) R & B and New Jack Swing style?
But now hold up, wait a minute. What's really being said here? Dripping in finesse? See, it's one thing to get your swerve on, so to speak, feeling dapper 'cause you're proud and know that you are attracting attention. I encourage this. That kind of glow, if only for a few moments, is therapeutic. We all could benefit from therapy, medicine that has no side effects, no known toxicities!
However, in perhaps a pernicious way, it's possible to overdo(se) on dripping in finesse by forgetting humility, and the dangers of excess.
Earlier this evening I needed a therapy session (driving with camera and no particular destination in mind all-ways provides a comfort and relief that no antidepressant (tricyclic, SSRI, or atypical) could ever provide!) And as it would be, I wound up at an outlet shopping center in Lancaster (PA), not far from my home of over 20 years ago. I was prepared for a dose of warm lights and cool displays that a vibrant shopping center gives. But at 6:30 PM, I was alarmed to find a total of only 2 cars in the massive parking lot. What the farfegnugen is going on, I thought...?
The winter hours edict is a clear indication that sales are down. Just a few years ago when I lived in the area, there was a vibrancy that clearly is no longer present. What happened? Did expansion supersede the actual growth or did this type of shopping start trending downward? Perhaps there was a dripping in finesse that got out of hand to only later crash and burn?
Although shopping isn't an option right now, I just wanted to hang out and capture the rhythm of the night. But, instead I had to consider returning back to my current ground zero to perhaps catch the evening news where I could have confirmed the current administration's quest to break SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) into government selected and determined "Harvest Box" rations. For a moment, though, I was fully expecting the hit-lerds on 1600 to cut their own excesses first-in a sort of united effort to cut costs. I mean are people already marginalized by poverty and racism, now supposed to sustain another blow meted out by the very ones that created the inequity in the first place?
See, that's just the thing. Until we are able to make connections (hint: everything is connected to something else) that allow us to anticipate how the (current) administration will try to further marginalize the already marginalized, the majority of us will always be chasing a long branch by its dying leaves. Preaching and telling folks what to do is not my style, so, you will rarely-if ever, hear or read of me saying, you must do this or that. My role, rather, is to pump up your abilities to think for yourselves and be able to connect information... that's where wellness and health reside.
However, I will write this-be careful drippin' in all that finesse, because somebody's going to have to mop that up when it oozes out onto the floor. Imagine falling down in finesse! In my Tamar Braxton voice-Getcha life.
Sharing a Facebook post. Of the eight dimensions of wellness, financial wellness is high in importance but due to lack of financial intelligence, perhaps even savvy? (and other factors, of course, like the current gig/share economy) financial wellness isn't always sustained.
We've all heard it-there's no such thing as a parenting manual, so sometimes there is no precedent.
Not wanting to cut off their grown but dependent children, the parents in this NY Times article faced a major decision about whether to cut their kids off financially (paying their cell phone, car, insurance, etc.) or continue to bank them.
I share my own experience from the time that I graduated from pharmacy school. Things have changed greatly in 30 years, but one thing does remain the same, we have to teach kids fiscal responsibility--their financial wellness, and subsequent health, depends on it.
CUP OF JOE: The Blog
Conjecture, facts, and opinion on health and wellness, holistic practice, and the quest for sustainability & optimal health.